The Lifecycle of a Bobcat

There are dozens of fascinating stories in the news today, which is why I’ve opted to write about crayfish. Crayfish resemble lobsters with dwarfism, and many people believe them to be from the same family, that being “Large insect shaped monsters with pinchy hands that you would be terrified to see crawling out from behind your toilet, but taste mighty good when dipped in butter”. Other members of this family include crab, scorpions, and genetically mutated head lice. Crayfish, or “mudbugs” to you hipsters out there, are not a member of this family, however. They are actually the aquatic juvenile form of bobcats.

Future Bobcat

Now I’m sure plenty of you are waving your University of Phoenix diplomas and Wyotech certificates of completion and screaming, “I am a pseudo college graduate, and this is just plain false.” I’m sure you were top of class in sparkplug gapping, but, with all due respect, I don’t think classes in arc-welding or fetching coffee for the middle manager really qualifies you to weigh in on this. I, however, have spent literally dozens of minutes studying the life cycle of bobcats, and that clearly makes me the expert.

Bobcats only mate under a waxing gibbous moon occurring in spring, or when the female bobcat doesn’t have a headache, the latter being far less common. The female gives live birth to hundreds of little crayfish, but recoils in horror at the idea of nursing them, thereby becoming the only animal to avoid classification as a mammal by willfully opting out. After seeing her hideous offspring, the mother bounds off into the woods, furiously working on a good excuse for the next gibbous moon. This is the reason bobcats are afraid of water.

Lifecycle of a bobcat

The first minutes of a crayfish’s life are the most vulnerable. They have only minutes to crawl into the water to avoid being grabbed in handfuls by the incomprehensible residents of Louisiana hell bent on turning them into jambalaya to serve in Disneyland at the restaurant in The Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Once they make it to the water, however, theirs is an idyllic life spent pinching the toes of wading toddlers and acting as a delicacy for steelhead trout. Frequently they congregate around a hunk of old meat in a lobster trap and discuss politics. This typically ends in a trip to Disneyland.

Lifecycle of a Bobcat Interrupted

A crayfish has no idea it’s a baby bobcat until one day it wakes up and discovers that its claws have turned into furry arms with claws. The other crawfish usually look at him askance, but scuttle away when he bursts from his shell into a fully formed feline. Ideally this transformation takes place in shallow water. From that day forward, the bobcat keeps to land and looks forward to or dreads the coming of a spring gibbous moon, depending on their gender.

Disaster in the Making