A Guide to Dating

Dating is a terrible idea. It’s the quickest way to show a complete stranger what a creep you are. It would be just swell if every first date ended in doe-eyed infatuation and pinkie swears of eternal love, but usually they’re just awkward and painful. It takes a lot of first dates to find someone willing to wash your dirty socks and listen to your idiot plan to get rich stuffing envelopes. You’re best off trying to get your parents to set up an arranged marriage, preferably to a professional cheerleader.

This happy couple's marriage was arranged by their zoo keeper

If you are gonna date, you need to make yourself presentable. Neck beards and Linux t-shirts will severely limit your pool of prospective ladies. It’s best to stick with timeless fashion and wear a polyester leisure suit. Not only will it help you attract women in gaggles, but wearing it to work is sure to get you that big promotion to head fry cook. Be sure to open those shirt buttons and show off your luxurious chest hair. If it’s a little patchy, you can apply some of your neck hair clippings with paste. A healthy sized astrological medallion will round out your look nicely.

Now that you’re all gussied up, you’re gonna need to find a girl to appreciate your sexiness. Finding dates on the internet has become increasingly popular, so try giving that a shot. You want to avoid the big flashy sites, because they already have thousands of members that are more attractive and interesting than you. Instead, find a niche site that caters to your particular interests. I recommend theatlasphere.com, a site dedicated to “Connecting Admirers of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.”  If you’re a big Ayn Rand fan, this is the place to get your objectivism on. They boast over eleven thousand dating profiles.

Controversial philosopher and successful internet matchmaker  

If the internet isn’t your speed, you can always track down girls the old fashioned way. Sitting at a construction site and whistling at them as they walk by is always an effective method, as is breathing heavily over the telephone to attractive receptionists. Failing that, you can go to the beach. Girls love running their fingers through a healthy carpet of back hair, so be sure to accidentally brush yours against their cheek. Before long you’ll have to push them away with a stick.

Once you do find that lucky lady, you need to plan your date. It’s very important to set realistic expectations early. If you take her to a fancy restaurant, you’ll set the bar too high and it will be impossible to impress her down the line. Take her to 7-11 for hotdogs, though, and you can impress her later with just a trip to Arbie’s.  Avoid all conversation, talking can only hurt you. Whenever your date asks you a question, pretend your mouth is full and take such a long time trying to chew it that she forgets she ever asked you a question in the first place. If you can keep this up for several months, you’re in. This is a good time to offer her a pile of your dirty socks.

The perfect first date