Monday, August 9, 2010

Deer Pee and Owl Barf

My “action-pose” clam failed to sell, or even generate a single bid, at auction. I did get a helpful message from porcelainsquirrelfan232, who informed me that if she wanted a clam shell, she would just order a bowl of cioppino. She bookended that with several misspelled obscenities. I politely responded to let her know that my clam was quite the looker and had probably been in pretty high demand down around the clam beds. I mentioned that her cioppino clam was likely to be homely with a pock-marked shell. She responded with a fresh batch of obscenities. I offered to add the googly eyes. She hasn’t responded.

I’m surprised there wasn’t a market for my unique treasure, since a quick perusal of Ebay turns up current auctions for elk urine, owl pellets, and used womens underpants, all of which have bids in. The description for the underpants leads me to believe they’re not being marketed as a value driven alternative to Walmart.

Elk urine is wildly popular with people that like to shoot at deer, but usually repel them on account of smelling like Aqua Velva and salisbury steak. They slather deer pee all over their fluorescent orange jumpsuits to transform into invisible clouds of urine soaked elk death. The most desirable urine comes from female deer in heat (and, before you ask, yes it does have a pink label). Wearing this, hunters can pick off the unsuspecting elk bounding towards them with amorous intent. I like to think they apply this kind of urine by spritzing their wrists and gently rubbing it behind their ears.

At first glance, you might think owl pellets are actually owl poop, but then you would be wrong. It only takes a cursory examination of an owl’s aft end to realize passing one of those things rectally would be like an average person trying to crap out a tuba. If this were the case, owls would have disappeared from constipation weeks ago.

Owl Pellet
Constipated Owl Contemplating Extinction
Owl pellets are really owl barf, consisting of all the hair, bones, and flashy gold jewelry that an owl can’t digest after swallowing a mouse. People pay good money for these things so they can wack it like a piñata and find the goodies inside. Finding the parts to a complete mouse skeleton means you are A-1 top owl barf guy. A bag of owl pellets will set you back about $15.00. Slingshots on Ebay go for $5.

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