Sunday, August 15, 2010

How to host a Barbecue

A barbecue a great way to enjoy a thriving colony of ecoli wrapped in a crunchy black shell. It’s also a nice opportunity to spend time with the people you’ve only met once, but you know the intimate details of their children’s potty training status via Facebook updates. This guide will help you to host a successful barbecue.

Chew gently. There's a family inside!

The key to a successful barbecue is get lots of extremely attractive people to attend, so as to make your neighbors as jealous as possible. If you are an extremely attractive person yourself, then you should skip this whole guide and accept an invite to someone else’s barbecue, just go check your Facebook inbox.

A supply trip is in order, because you’re going to need lots of booze and meat. Don’t bother buying pricy meat. Even if you’re a gourmet chef, no one is going to care. There’s an expected quality of food, and you’re just blowing the curve for everyone if you over do it. Saving money on meat ups the budget for booze, and that’s all anyone really cares about. Just swing by the back of your local food bank and collect whatever they tossed out last time they cleaned out the walk-in. This should leave you plenty of cash to stop at the local warehouse store and pick up a few oil drums full of gin and tequila.


When selecting a grill, you have to decide between gas and charcoal. I recommend charcoal, especially if you’ve been meaning to get rid of those pesky eyebrows of yours, but haven’t had the time to wax. The preferred method of lighting your charcoal is to use one of those chimney thingies. If you don’t have one handy, you can make one out of a mailbox with a little solder and a pair of tin-snips. Additionally, the post makes for nice kindling, and the termites inside offer a tasty secondary protein to your meal. You’re best off using someone else’s, or you won’t be getting any mail for a while.

Somewhere, Smoky the Bear is quietly weeping.

If you want people to bring food, make sure you assign dishes, otherwise EVERYONE will bring store brand potato salad. Once all of your attractive guests have arrived, position yourself in front of the grill and make sure it’s angled so the smoke drifts away from them and into your neighbor’s ventilation system. If the social end of your barbecue stagnates, give everyone a bendy straw and point them to the tequila drum. Things will kick right back into action.

When you’re tired of people smelling up your bathroom and feigning lewd acts with your lawn gnomes, set off a bug bomb and the situation will pretty much sort itself out. Cleaning up is a cinch. Just throw away the grill (you’re never gonna get that thing clean), and leave you’re gate open so the neighborhood strays can take care of the leftover food. Then drive straight to the emergency room to deal with the ecoli.

It's shame that closed those eyes.

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