A Guide to Dating

Dating is a terrible idea. It’s the quickest way to show a complete stranger what a creep you are. It would be just swell if every first date ended in doe-eyed infatuation and pinkie swears of eternal love, but usually they’re just awkward and painful. It takes a lot of first dates to find someone willing to wash your dirty socks and listen to your idiot plan to get rich stuffing envelopes. You’re best off trying to get your parents to set up an arranged marriage, preferably to a professional cheerleader.

This happy couple's marriage was arranged by their zoo keeper

If you are gonna date, you need to make yourself presentable. Neck beards and Linux t-shirts will severely limit your pool of prospective ladies. It’s best to stick with timeless fashion and wear a polyester leisure suit. Not only will it help you attract women in gaggles, but wearing it to work is sure to get you that big promotion to head fry cook. Be sure to open those shirt buttons and show off your luxurious chest hair. If it’s a little patchy, you can apply some of your neck hair clippings with paste. A healthy sized astrological medallion will round out your look nicely.

Now that you’re all gussied up, you’re gonna need to find a girl to appreciate your sexiness. Finding dates on the internet has become increasingly popular, so try giving that a shot. You want to avoid the big flashy sites, because they already have thousands of members that are more attractive and interesting than you. Instead, find a niche site that caters to your particular interests. I recommend theatlasphere.com, a site dedicated to “Connecting Admirers of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.”  If you’re a big Ayn Rand fan, this is the place to get your objectivism on. They boast over eleven thousand dating profiles.

Controversial philosopher and successful internet matchmaker  

If the internet isn’t your speed, you can always track down girls the old fashioned way. Sitting at a construction site and whistling at them as they walk by is always an effective method, as is breathing heavily over the telephone to attractive receptionists. Failing that, you can go to the beach. Girls love running their fingers through a healthy carpet of back hair, so be sure to accidentally brush yours against their cheek. Before long you’ll have to push them away with a stick.

Once you do find that lucky lady, you need to plan your date. It’s very important to set realistic expectations early. If you take her to a fancy restaurant, you’ll set the bar too high and it will be impossible to impress her down the line. Take her to 7-11 for hotdogs, though, and you can impress her later with just a trip to Arbie’s.  Avoid all conversation, talking can only hurt you. Whenever your date asks you a question, pretend your mouth is full and take such a long time trying to chew it that she forgets she ever asked you a question in the first place. If you can keep this up for several months, you’re in. This is a good time to offer her a pile of your dirty socks.

The perfect first date

How to Knit a Sweater

Knitting a sweater is an incredibly simple and rewarding activity enjoyed by far too few people. The best way to go about it is to visit your local Walmart and buy a sweater from the shelf, cut off the tags, and write “I MADE THIS” in puff paint across the chest. People will marvel at your creativity and craft skills. For a more personalized approach, you can buy several sweaters in different colors, cut the arms off, and reattach them to the other sweaters. Be careful not to attach any of the sleeves to the neck hole, or you’ll end up with a turtleneck and people will just think you’re a creep.

             Smarmy Creep        Euro Creep            Emo Creep             Potential Sex

                                                                                                  Offender Creep 

 

If you really want to go all out, you can also make a sweater from scratch. For starters, you’re going to need a bunch of yarn. You can purchase yarn made from all sorts of materials. If the sweater’s for you, get something soft and comfortable like cotton. If the sweater is for your ex-girlfriend or mother-in-law, then go for yarn made from cat hair, or cactus, or both. Yarn comes in god-awful tangles known as skeins, so your first job is to wrangle it into a ball. Mostly you just wad it up and hope it eventually becomes spherical. If it doesn’t, bribe an elderly lady to do it for you by offering to put fresh tennis balls on her walker. Once you have your yarn in a ball, it’s always a good idea to soak it in kerosene overnight. This will make your sweater waterproof and lend it a pleasing odor.

You’re also going to need some knitting needles. It’s been rumored that you can buy ready-made knitting needles, but if you were that kind of half-assed sweater maker, you would have followed my original advice and taken the Walmart approach. Instead, go to the grocery store and buy a couple toothbrushes. This is also a good time to pick up tequila, which just as important to sweater making as anything else. Once you get home, fill a medium sized coffee mug with tequila and drink it. Refill the mug, but set it aside for later. Take your toothbrushes and rip out all the bristles. File down the heads of your toothbrushes using a concrete floor or the edge of your steel bed frame. It may seem simpler just to sharpen the handle, but the rubbery grip makes it pretty worthless as a knitting needle.

You now have everything you need to knit a sweater. Some people will tell you that you also need a sweater pattern. Those people are idiots and you should promptly un-friend them on FaceBook and sign them up for dozens of “bill me later” magazine subscriptions. Now drink the mug of tequila, and possibly another, because knitting a sweater is really really boring.

You need to use your toothbrush needles to manipulate your yarn into a fetching sweater like shape. This is accomplished by using running stitches, casting off, and clicking your toothbrushes against each other furiously. You also have to do a lot of purling, which is much like curling, but without the hot womens team from Russia. You should now have a beautiful homemade sweater. If you made any mistakes and left gaps in the armpit or nipple areas, you can easily patch them up with duct tape. If there’s any tequila left in the bottle, you also have a reward.

Enjoy your sweater!